Evens are Odds: 2016

Outlook

*Followed by second note reading:*

"I don't believe in guns, or this type of culture that surrounds them, but if you do prescribe to that mode of thinking, and it would actually dissuade you from burglarizing me, I do own AN AXE, and I'm a big enough guy I rather think that image makes for an even scarier prospect if it really came down to it..."

Presentable

TEDDY: "Hold up, let me just put my face on..." ~ *Teddy concentrations and grows a beard in realtime...*

#IfYouCouldHaveOneSuperPower

Work Ethic

"INDEFATIGABLE: (in.di.'fa.ti.ge.bel) adj. [La. Indefatigabilis] Not letting them see how tired you are..." *Mark carting a large, unruly cart of boxes up to Teddy, smiling, but with lots of cartoony aches radiating, a grumbling stomach, etc.* MARK: "Sorry, 'fraid I've got a bit more to off-load on you: You good to keep going?" TEDDY: "Yeah, I'm great! Bring it on!"

It's a great strategy!..
...Up until you pair up with someone else who also practices this model, and you both just play off each other indefinitely, till you finally realize you've just worked a sixteen hour day, and still neither of you is willing to concede that you're ready to call it quits, and you have no option but to just resign your self to the fact that you'll have to keep going until one of the two of you literally falls asleep standing...

...And of course, this bit is easy: The hard part is figuring out your body well enough to know when you can safely flip the manual overides and power through, and when you need to take a beat to actually listen to those flashing stars and ease up a bit....

Thanksgiving 2016

ALLISON: *coming down stairs to find Teddy unloading turkeys from model train emerging from tunnel in basement wall* "You do realize it wasn't a LITERAL Underground Railroad, right?" TEDDY: "Yes, but THIS way is more fun..."

*3:00 _A.M. November 9: Realizes Trump is going to win the election.*

*Begins to quietly buy up 7.5" gauge model train track...*

Reconciliation

Wrote it on the 9th, but got a bit tied up in the essay thing I'm also posting that gets into more of the nuance exceeding the comic format...

Idiom

TEDDY: *standing off agaisnt armed gunman holding a fork.* "Crap, it's supposed to be 'KNIFE,' isn't it? 'Bring a KNIFE to a gun fight'..."

Teddy: "Well, guess I'm pretty well forked then, aren't I?"

Bad Guy: "..."

T: "Get it? Forked? 'Cause of the fork?"

BG: "..."

T: "Sorry, I do TENEDOR this from time to-"

BG: "-YOU DO REALIZE I'M HOLDING A GUN, DON'T YOU?"

Coming of Age - Halloween Edition

*Teddy and Allison outside eating candy at 8:05* TEDDY: "Man, all those years thinking CANDY was for the benefit of the kids, I can't believe I never realized HALLOWEEN is basically just the biggest running scam of GROWN-UP-dom..."

As if dressing up wasn't reason enough to realize Halloween is the best holiday...

Jack-o-Lantern 2016

*in Jack-o-lanterns* TEDDY: *poised over pumpkin* "Crap, do I have to carve an Evens are Odds pumpkin every year now?" ALLISON: "He said, so instagating the 2ND ANNUAL jack-o-comic..." TEDDY: "So what do I do? Kinda blew the load on POP CULTURE with the last one..." ALLISON: "Hmmm... Something TOPICAL?"

*below jack-o-lantern of Dumbledore* "PUMPKIN DUMBLEDORE for POTUS 2016"

"Initially gaining recognition as the second most orange presidential candidate, Pumpkin Dumbledore is actually rising steadily in the polls after last night's debate: It seems being inanimate was actually an advantage here, many undecided voters saying they found the silences punctuating his time for response to be a 'welcome relief' to the discourse we've come to expect from the major party candidates.

"In other news, in a rare instance of advocacy, the secret service has expressed concerns about the botanical candidate, though it is worth mention they have already been seen to be making discrete inquiries with the nations leading preservation specialists..."

...And I did miss Harry Potter in the last one, afterall...

Orthodox

"So you know that thing, where you're in a foreign country, say, like, ECUADOR, where you basically, generally speak the language, but also kind of not really? Say maybe 'cause your Aunt needed some books for work, and it was cheaper to fly someone down than to ship them, or something? And you're sorta unemployed still, so you were actually kinda free to go? Then, for the sake of argument, there was also a potential project with your other Aunt bearing consideration in the Amazon? But because this whole thing's all so short notice, the logistics are trick, and by the time you get positive confirmation from her contact there, it's already the middle of the night, and the only VIABLE way to make it happen is to get on an all night bus leaving in 40 MINUTES from HALF an HOUR away? So you have that long to decide whether or not to pull the trigger, pack, and leave the house? And then all the stations are closed, since it's the middle of the night, so you have to rely on word of mouth from the other bus drivers nice enough to stop, to piece together the schedule, leap-frogging through the night to find the right stop? All so you can get on this bus, ALONE, in a foreign country, where you kinda sorta speak the language, so it can take you to the last bastion of civilization, where you'll meet these people you don't actually know, so you can drive another 2 HOURS to the end of the road, where you'll switch to a CANOE to motor another HOUR and a HALF into the jungle to see if you can't suss this thing out?" "You know that thing?" "No?.." "Oh yeah, me neither....."

Ok yeah, so I'm basically just bragging a bit...

...But hey, if anyone ever questions just how amenable I actually am...

Cognate

TEDDY: "Hey, <sup>?" ~ *Teddy and Allison 'super-scripted' into upper corner* ALLISON: "Oh, nothing much, you?.." TEDDY: "Nothing much..." ~ *Teddy and Allison back to normal* "</sup>"

*Code...Code...Code...Snicker, giggle...Code...Code...Code*

In all seriousness, though, I think there's something to this closing tag thing in real life: Imagine, you're at that awkward potluck/analogous function, and you get stuck talking to that old person in one of those conversations that are literally just the explicit transcription of politeness, and once you've exhausted that recap of your recent life you're both just stuck there twiddling your thumbs hoping the other one will break first? Now imagine you could just drop a "</SmallTalk><Food>" and all live happily ever after...

Strategy

TEDDY: *playing chess* "Aha! Check mate!" ~ ALLISON: "No? What are you doing? You can't move your king into my king's radius!" TEDDY: "No, I'm evoking the nuclear option: You're boxed in, and none of your pieces can prevent my king from attacking yours directly - The two cancel out and destroy each other, dissolving the feudal hierarchy and reverting every piece still in play to a pawn until they can make it to the far side of the board to regain their original powers. Last man standing wins." ~ TEDDY: *to Allison's aghast expression* "Why, how do you play?"

Honesty, probably the hardest part about adapting to playing this way, is balancing the pieces on top of each other once you manage to "king" them...

Conspiracy

I also feel like in the new versions of society's OS, they've replaced "How about this weather?" in the small talk dictionaries with "I swear the seats are getting smaller!"

Heirarchy

*Teddy bursting into post-apocalyptic bunker, holding an external hard drive* TEDDY: "Alright, I got it!" ALLISON: "What's that?" ~ TEDDY:"A couple of years ago I added this baby to my apocalypse preparedness plan." ALLISON: "An external hard drive? That's the 'magic bullet' you just risked your life to save?" ~ TEDDY: "Touche. Granted it's a simple enough piece of hardware, but the real beauty of this guy is the ALGORITHM behind it. Once I realized how dependent we were becoming on the internet, I figured it'd be a good bet to have a hard back up of at least the most important bits for just such a rainy day. This baby has been trawling the web non-stop building a database of skills and resources we don't even know we'll need yet, always learning and evolving, using metrics like peer review and breadth of research & knowledge base to constantly prioritize and pull the most PRESSINGLY important information. This thing will be able to teach us things that weren't even invented when I plugged it in. What do you say? Should we see what we've got?" ~ ALLISON: *seeing Teddy's horrified expression* "What? What is it" TEDDY: "...Cats... It's all just...CATS..."

Rule number 1 of the internet: It ALWAYS comes back to cats...

...But hey, at least if they can survive till the rise of a new society, he'll be the most powerful man in the world when 'cat videos' inevitably emerge as the eminent currency...

Association

"You know that thing where they say you never realize how many people you hate till you try to name a baby? With me it's kinda like that, but with notable DOGS I've met & still fondly remember..." TEDDY: *gesturing to kids* "...And these are our children, COSMO, CHIOT, and REX..."

Maybe I shouldn't be so cavalier dropping these as baby names...

Wouldn't want my sibs stealing the idea before I get a chance to actually use them...

Rusty

*In a dark shady setting* MARK: "We really need you on this one." TEDDY:"I told you: I'm RETIRED. You're just gonna have to find someone else..." ~ MARK: "You think I'd trust any old kid on a job like this?" TEDDY: "I left that life a long time ago. You're asking me to draw on skills I don't even know if I have anymore..." MARK: "Come on, it'll be like riding a bike! For old times sake!" TEDDY: "Ah hell, alright. For old times sake." ~ *Cut to bright classroom with 'SAT Math Prep' written on board* TEDDY: "Hi, I'm Teddy, and I'll be your math tutor today..."

Well, this awkward, because, see, now it seems like this is evidence for that horrible "when am I ever going to use this in real life" shtick...

I use math in real life every day, I swear! It's just been a while since I've done math for math's sake...

Glamping

You don't realize just how spoiled you are on a proper trek, camping at sites with an entire lake to yourselves, till you have to come back to the East Coast, with it's crowded ,little, compartmentalized loops full of screaming children and traffic...

Lifestyle

*Teddy on a jobsite carrying a beafy 8x8 by himself* "Do you even lift, Bro?"

Basically my internal argument for not being more proactive when it comes to my own lifestyle in one panel...

Reality Check

"PRO-TIP: If you ever find yourself pondering a big life decision and you're not sure whether or not it's a good idea, ask yourself if it seems the kind of thing you wouldn't be surprised to see as a premise for a reality TV show..." *Allison and Teddy standing in front of VERY rough, falling down old house* ALLISON: "Hi! I've got no actual life experience, but my Daddy tries to mask his emotional ineptitude by turning a blind eye to my credit card bills!" TEDDY: "And I've got $19.37 in my bank account, and $70,000 in student loans, but I just graduated architecture school, and helped build a garage one time, so now think I'm qualified to be the acting GC on a property flip!" TOGETHER:"We just met 1 week ago on Tinder, but now we've bought this house together!" "...If the answer is 'YES,' you probably shouldn't do it..."

This is a fictionalize vignette, of course: I built a sweet basement apartment once, too!...

...So, in other words, if anyone's actually looking to get into real-estate & wants to become an investment partner and match my my sweat equity with, you know, ACTUAL equity... Call me! I'm available! (Can't make any promises on the 'Ill-fated romantic entanglement' part, but, hell!- within reason on the gender & age appropriateness front, I'm game to give it a go if you are!..)

To-Do

MARK *entering workshop*: So what gives? I thought you said you had to spend today cleaning your room before your relatives visit?" TEDDY *making some piece of furniture*: "Yeah, what do you think I'm doing?"

The awkward thing is, it didn't even occur to me till like four days later that there was anything even remotely atypical about budgeting time for "cleaning my room" for me basically being synonymous with "constructing custom furniture"...

Accomplished

INTERVIEWERS: "Can you tell us about any commendations or notable accomplishments?.." ~ TEDDY: "One time I successfully made a passable PAELLA..." *interviews look impressed and make note.*

*Updates LinkedIn profile*...

Cocktail Edition! - The Blithering Jarhead

"Evens are Odds Cocktail Edition" "The Patently Blithering & Jarheaded (or a "Blithering Jarhead" for short" "Price: $ Reasonable; Taste: Reasonably Drinkable; Rep: !Hipster Warning! ; Strength: Decent? IDK, I feel like my tolerance is a bit screwy right now..." "1. Get (1) JAM JAR that's finished, but still has those last clinging remnants that aren't worth it to try to clean out if you don't have superpowers/are a grandma..." “2. Fill (1/3) -1/4, I suppose, depending on the size of the jar and your preference- with AMARETTO. Secure cap, and shake vigorously till jam is dissolved(-ish; actual dissolving results/NON-chunkiness may vary, but at least try to get it largely dissolved from those trickier crevices…)” “3. TOP OFF with PORTER or similar toasty, dark BEER. Maybe give it a few light sloshes while you still have that cap lying around to ensure its all well mixed…” “4. Enjoy! Straight from the jar! It’s good enough for Portland, after all, and seeing as you were just going to recycle it anyway, you now effectively have the most legit ever disposable drinkware that you won’t have to properly wash!” ~ ALLISON: “So basically this is just an excuse to not clean or throw out the empty jars from the fridge, basically ever?..” TEDDY: “No, see, NOW I actually NEED them!”

Welp, there are two in the series now, guess that means I have no choice but to make a full Evens are Odds Cocktail book...

...Because it totally wouldn't be a terrible idea at all to even tangentially imply that these are legitimate and acceptable recipes that would be perfectly fine for an actual human being to try to make and consume in real life...

Crossover II

DAENERYS TARGARYEN (Game of Thrones): "Are you sure about this? She seems a little...well...." TYRION LANNISTER (GoT): "Trust me, Khaleesi: This is perhaps the most important alliance you will ever make." ~ *Dany with Edna Mode (The Incredibles), in Edna's lab viewing super suit being blasted by flame throwers* EDNA: "'Can withstand a temperature of over 1,000 degrees!.."

My fan theory is that in a surprise late upstart, with Dany and Jon busy up North introducing the White Walkers to a spot of dragon magic, Edna will swoop in to usurp Little Finger and take the Iron Throne, and she'll just be so bad ass that everyone will just go with it...

It's also nice to do a Game of Thrones comic, cause it makes a lovely excuse to share these delightful little sketches I doodled as a Studio Crit 'Happy Place' exercise last year...

Athleticism

*Teddy and Allison watching the Olympics: Teddy throws remote to land very short, while Allison waves hands frantically in poor attempt to catch* TEDDY: "I don't know if the inherent irony here out ways how pathetic we were just there, but either way I vote we never speak of this again...*

Obviously based on a true story, as if there was ever any question...

Medium

Granted didn't take quite as long as the jack-o-lanterns, elaborate as they were, but suffice it to say, I don't think this is one I need to try again anytime soon...

This comic coming at you from the Russian Wilderness along the Pacific Crest Trail!

(The Obligatory) Pokémon Go (Joke)

*Teddy in the wilderness decked out in bird watching gear, staring sidelong at at kid next to him buried in a phone playing Pokémon Go...*

I would say "before it was cool," but I'm pretty sure even with the similarities, birdwatchers are still gonna have a tough sell going as far as "cool"...

Puissance

TEDDY: *in front of graph showing "Stress Balls" far inferior to "CHEW TOYS" on "Level of CATHARSIS"* "I don't know how they decided which of these was socially acceptable, but clearly someone here messed up..."

I'm telling ya, folks, dogs and babies have the right idea on this one...

Moving Hack

TEDDY: *amongst several empty liquor bottles* "It counts as packing if you finish the bottle, right?"

*Finishes last bottle*
"Shoot, we're out of liquor: Better go out and buy some scotch!"

But, hey, in my defense, when you're just carting around half a dozen bottles with less than a shot each, surely it'd be environmentally irresponsible to expend the fuel to bring them with you!..

Going to Pieces

TEDDY: *holding tiny replacement power jack, in front of desk strewn with every part of completely dismantled laptop* "Well, the bad news is, I managed to get the wrong part with no way of knowing till I took it all apart, but the good news is I'm sure they could have made it SLIGHTLY more difficult to get at if they really tried..."

I mean, for Pete's sake, there's still like 2 1/2 whole pieces of my laptop that are still connected to one another!..
But, hey, that's fine: I can totally afford to wait another week for some stupid power jack; not like my entire life and livelihood is completely embroiled in dependence on this machine, after all...

Ambitions

*Looking at computer search for "architecture jobs in ANTARCTICA for recent graduates" * ALLISON: "Just throwing this out there, maybe you consider being just, say, a SMIDGE less selective w/ the job search?.." TEDDY: "Oh sure, just COMPLETELY forgo every hope & dream I've ever had!"

Sure it's not the broadest net, but you gotta figure there's a limited pool of competition, so I guess what I'm trying to say is.... Call me! I'm available!....

Pomp & Circumstance

*Labeled Photos* Cap: "One size fits none" ~ Tassel: "Medieval toture device" "Turned to match dominant hand *makes as much sense as anything I was able to find out in the ceremony." ~ "Hood *not as cool as it sounds" ~ Zipper: "Quick release pull!" ~ Sleeve 'crescents': "??? *???????????" ~ Hem: "Bell bottom *capris cut"

"We need something prominent but interchangeable that we can colour-code depending on degree, and mire with a bunch of other abtruse symbolism and ceremonial drivel."

"Sure, I like that: What if we also designed it so that it would constantly trigger the wearer's reflex that there was a fly buzzing around their head through the entire cermony?"

- the guys inventing the tassel

Causality

TEDDY: "Why is it that my pants always ALL catastrophically fail at the exact same time?!" ALLISON: "Because every time they do, you avoid doing anything about it for ABSOLUTELY as long as possible, before finally breaking down & making 1 trip to Goodwill, where you buy essentially another 5 versions of the same pair of jeans, ALL AT THE SAME TIME." ~ TEDDY: "No, that's far too logical: I'm gonna go with "The whole universe is against me"...

Hey, I still have like two pairs of pants that don't (quite) show off my boxers in public, so I'd say I'm still good for a bit...

Milestone

ALLISON: "Wow, finished your masters, that's a big deal! Like FINAL final crit! How does it feel?" TEDDY *unresponsive* ~ ALLISON *from screen in trashed "Brain Command Center"*: "Hello? Anybody home up there?" LITTLE TEDDY BRAIN GUY: "...Yeah, we're completely torched. Like irrevocably beyond salvage...No...Yeah, I mean, we're gonna be leaking anyways, I'd say just lean into it; Tap the ears, go for a full flush..."

"I don't know, it hasn't really set in yet. Maybe after I take care of final submissions.....
.....Grading....
....Subletting my apartment...
...Also cleaning the apartment.
Job hunting/Career building; Actually bring my portfolio into this decade;
Not going broke after this fracking model; finishing said model for above portfolio, figuring out summer plans, figuring out moving plans. Following up on that annoying tax thing. The exact same set of federal loan exit interviews I did last year...

Pretty much all the real life stuff I've been neglecting leading up to crit..."

FLOUNDERing (Men)

GIRL FLOUNDER: "Oh on! You got my BAD SIDE: You have to take it again!" *showing phone with image of back side of flounder* BOY FLOUNDER: "Oh come on! It's fine! I LITERALLY can't tell the difference: You're just too picky!"

So I guess I'm conceding that the whole "good side" idea is actually a thing? I don't know, I'm still utterly unconcerned by it all, tbh...

Side Effects

TEDDY: "Do you ever just, like, WORRY about your BRAIN--" ALLISON: "--and how architecture school has completely RUINED it?" TEDDY: "--And that based on its current condition you're going to be legitimately SENILE by your mid-LATE TWENTIES?" ALLISON: "LITERALLY ALL THE TIME."

Yet another conversation I basically had in real life...

And I know you're gonna say this applies to a lot of majors, but I also know there's probably an acceptable number of all-nighters to pull in a 14 week semester, and that number sure as hell isn't 27...

Observation

*Clue characters gathered around Mr. Body's body, very obviously shot, in the billiards room, Mr. Green suspiciously holding the revolver behind his back* TEDDY (as Professor Plum): "Now everybody hold up: I think we should entertain the possibility it was Mrs. White, with the rope, in the conservatory!.." ~ "If you think about it, the characters in the game CLUE really aren't very INTELLIGENT...

Of course it was Mr. Green. Never did like that guy...

Gun Control

*Teddy and Allison in sinking boat with water gushing through a hole, while Teddy bails water INTO the boat* TEDDY: "No, see, THIS water is displacing that water you're worried about, and I have complete control over MY water, so..." ~ "Basically the American gun control debate in one GIF..."

But God forbid I imply your archaic, out-of-context right to bail in water is maybe not entirely in the best interest of keeping the boat afloat in the larger picture...

Yes, I'm showing my cards here, but on a more serious note, I got to hang out with my Uncle Jeff earlier this week, and hear about some of the really incredible work he's doing looking at a lot of the background on gun violence at a population level. It's really eye opening to see the methodical, objective data behind the flashier sound bites that circulate our general awareness and media (Did you know for instance that 2/3 of gun deaths in the U.S. are suicides? And that while mental health is naturally a real factor in these cases, mental illness is not a statiscally signifcantly factor in the other 30-some gun homicides per day we average across the country) And it was encouraging to see some of the policy stuff coming out of it, things like gun violence restraining orders, that specifically target the "people" side of the equation, to take the NRA's favorite slogan at its word, and maybe at least get some low-impact, but undenably-positive reform through the complete legislative gridlock and denile we currently see around the problem...

And hey, if this comic deeply offends you, or you have any other opinion on the gun debate in the States, go educate yourself on the issue a bit, and I'll happily duke it out with you!..

Native

It's not necessarily that I don't think reactions are a potentially useful feature in principle, but you'd better believe I'm gonna take my sweet time watching from the sidelines to let the protocol emerge and make damn sure I understand it as-best-I'm-ever-going-to before I go ahead and start flashing around glowing pink hearts at people... #sociallyilliterate

Even I, however, though never having realized prior to drawing this cartoon, admit the desperate need we unknowingly have for a llama reaction option.

Selling Point

ALWAYS.

#SquadGoals

TEDDY: "...Yeah, I'm on board: It sounds fun! You should call in THE GANG." ~ ALLISON: "Hold up- We have a gang now? Who exactly am I meant to be calling?" TEDDY: "Damn, I was hoping you'd have some ideas..."

Sometimes I wonder why I don't have more friends...

...and then I remember that I'm currently writing this with marginal mental capacity, seeing as I only got about an hour and a half sleep last night since the last 30 hours or so have been otherwise devoted to studio...

Spin II

TEDDY: "They say a good interview tactic is to try to present your weaknesses in a positive light. That sounds like a real thing, right? As opposed to, say, a catchy bit of exposition I basically just made up to set up the gag in this comic?" *Resume reading* "Skills/Talents: Burning Bridges"

"I don't just burn bridges; when comes to bridges, I'm a veritable demolition expert!" he says, enthusiastically...

...Ok, look: There's a lot of things I'm good at, but socialing is not one of them...

Return

TEDDY: "So I'm giving you this marshmallow now: It's yours, you can eat it RIGHT NOW. BUT if WAIT 15 minutes, I'll give you another one: You'll have 2 MARSHMALLOWS." ~ TEDDY: "So the idea is that it tests control of "deferred gratification." Obviously it makes sense to wait, but young children, it seems, have yet to develop the ability to deny the immediate realization of the lesser reward..." ~ KID: *thinking* "Let's see, basically this is a FINANCIAL PROBLEM: What I have to ask, is the FUTURE VALUE of 2 marshmallows really worth more than the PRESENT VALUE of 1? If I weigh caloric potential -vs- the inherent risks..." ~ TEDDY & KID concurrently: *as kid eats marshmallow* "Sucker!.."

Now there's a kid confident in his future marshmallow investment opportunities...

Pick-Up

MARK: *to MacGirl at bar "Hey girl! Is your spirit animal a jaguar? 'Cause if takes a lot to break me out of my shell, but I think you might have it in you..."

...Based, of course, on the well known tidbit of common knowledge that Jaguars have the strongest bite force of all the cats? Famously capable of splitting open a turtle's shell? Just like everybody knows, off the top of their head?.. Right?
...
Right?

...

...Ok, again, just, like, SO sleep deprived, alright?..
....

Differences

ALLISON: *thinking* "I wonder what HE's thinking right now..." TEDDY: *thinking* "*'Pirates of the Caribbean' theme on loop*"

Yeah, yeah, but hey it's the big graduation this semester, so there's only a limited number of vaguely-coherent, sleep-deprived-crit comics left!..

Homeopathic

"Na, jusd kiddig: I dnow thad's nod acdually how id works..." *reaches for Vodka Screwdriver*

And hey, just so happens I'm drinking Long Trail's Sick Day this week, sooo.....