Evens are Odds: 2017

Anticipation

*Everyone hiding in a room decorated for a party, with a larger banner reading "SURPRISE! HAPPY BIRTHDAY, TEDDY" hanging on the wall* TEDDY: *Walking into the back of the room from inside the house, coming up behind everyone* "Oh hello, everybody! What're we watching for?"

"Oh yeah, just fancied coming in the back of the house, for absolutely no reason at all: Just had to jump a couple fences, scale that trellis to the shed roof, extricate myself from the Robinson's dog..."

I like to imagine the dynamic of Teddy and Allison at Teddy's birthday every year, getting increasingly competitive with Allison trying to catch him off guard with a surprise party, and Teddy secretly finding out about it for the sole purpose of planning his own ridiculous entrance to said party #CueRecurringSegment (that is in no way just an excuse for an easy bit to perpetuate annually at my birthday...)

CPP Impetus Edition

*Allison and Teddy in a room next to a too-big Christmas tree, bent over to fit inside; Teddy in work gear on a latter up to a large hole demo-ed in the ceiling* ALLISON: "...Or you could've just bought a SMALLER Christmas tree..." TEDDY: "Yeah, but think how great this space will be with a vaulted ceiling!.."

Is it even the holidays without some ~~light~~ moderate home improvement?..

Formula

KYLO REN: *on the phone* "Uh, hi, yes: I'd like to enquire about what kind of coverage policies you might offer on planet-sized superweapons?" GALACTIC INSURANCE CO. EMPLOYEE: "Ha! Nice try! We heard there's a new movie coming out too!"

"...Asking for a friend..."

Coming of Age

"There's a funny stage of young adulthood where the holidays begin to take on a new dimension..." *Allison and Teddy pushing plates away, both visibly bloated & disheveled* ALLISON: "There, we did it!.. ...Now there's just 4 MORE dinners to go......" TEDDY: "Just kill me now..." "HAPPY THANKSGIVING!"

...That dimension being around your middle.....

Extenuating Circumstances

"If you're just starting out on your own, it can be tempting to try working from home to lower you overhead, but it's important to account for OTHER factors that may have bearing on your productivity..." ~ TEDDY: *on phone* "Hi, Becky? Yeah, I'm sorry, I'm going to have to postpone our meeting..." ~ TEDDY: *cat, purring contentedly, laying across both his hands, pinning them to the keyboard* "...Yeah, something else came up....."

"It's fine, she never does this, so I should just indulge her now, and I'll make up the lost time by sticking with it a little bit longer tonight: That can't be comfortable, I'm sure she'll want to move before too long..."

...*cut to four days later*...

Methodology

"How NORMAL people FLIRT:" MACGIRL: *making good eye contact, twirling her hair, reaching across to touch man's hand* Ha! You're so funny!" ~ "How I flirt:" TEDDY: *arms crossed, looking away* "...y'know, there's actually a really compelling TED TALK about flirting I could refer you to..."

#YouMayBeASapiosexualIf...

Inuendo

*Teddy adorned in swag touting 'WE <3 BIG WOOD'* ALLISON: "No wait, don't tell me... You bought a SAWMILL?" TEDDY: "Wow! You're almost getting to know me TOO well!"

"Dammit, when I said I 'had a thing for wood' all I meant is that a nice, big slab of some exotic hardwood kind of does it for m-this isn't sounding any better is it?.."

Miss

I think this one falls in the category of random bits my brain comes up with unbidden, that you probably shouldn't look too deep into...

Realist

*on a beach* TEDDY: "Man, this is great! I wish we had a friend with a beach house so they'd let us borrow it and we could stay down here more often!" ~ TEDDY: "I mean, I'd wish that WE had a beach house, but honestly I think even positing us making friends with someone who has one ALREADY stretches credulity...

So it's probably pretty obvious where this is going, but if anyone did want to lend me their beach house...

...Or sell me their fixer-up beach house that just needs a bit of TLC for, like, a dollar...

Qualification

TEDDY: "...Yeah, I mean, I still do DEFINITELY get IMPOSTOR SYNDROME, but at least now I'm AWARE of it, so I know intellectually it's more a part of coming of age and if I just trust in myself to accomplish something I'll probably be able to handle it..." ~ TEDDY: "Unless, of course, that awareness desensitizes me to the point that my insecurities trigger me to automatically over compensate, with OVER confidence, so I OVER reach, and it all comes crashing down, and everyone knows I'm just a giant fraud and I lose any credibility I ever had and am forever doomed to be written of as just an entitled millenial..." *fades off to Teddy in a dark room, rocking in the fetal position*

*Jeff Goldblum voice* "What I'm saying is ~~life~~ anxiety, uh... finds a way"...

Familiar

ALLISON: "Yikes! Think it might be time for a new toothbrush there?" TEDDY: "NO! I just got it how I like it!"

"Sooo, then why don't you just buy a NEW toothbrush with a bristle density you actually like?"

"What?! BUY a toothbrush when the dentist gives you that cheap generic one that probably cost 5¢ bulk from China for FREE?!?

Pairing

TEDDY: *walking into room carrying a bowl, visibly buzzed* "Ok, absolutely no offense to RAISIN BRAN, but it REALLY isn't the best DRUNK FOOD..." ~ ALLISON: *also buzzed* "Ok, I think it's REALLY time for you to get a job..." TEDDY: "Eh...How about we compromise with me ACTUALLY GOING GROCERY SHOPPING?.. Say sometime in the next week?.. Week and a half..."

I should go into marketing: "RAISIN BRAN: It's great for breakfast!.."

Refinement

*The gang setting a table for a fancy dinner party; Allison and Teddy looking slightly flummoxed about how to fold napkins for the place settings* TEDDY: *Holding a napkin folded into a paper airplane* "I never went to finishing school or anything, but I'm pretty sure this is how you're meant to do it!.."

Of course, your standard dart is a performance design: For parties with higher formality you could opt for a more elaborate plane to up your fanciness, but you'd have to be prepared for a corresponding hit to your stability and general flight efficiency, which, considering napkins are already far from the ideal medium for paper airplanes...

Home

TEDDY: "You know, it's kind of surprising: You'd think working in the Amazon, your life would be drastically different, but when it comes right down to it, it's really not: sure, you don't have internet, and quickly adapt your sleep cycles to daylight hours, but at the end of the day, you have your routines; you eat, sleep, brush your teeth, bathe, work on your projects... You're still YOU: that doesn't change. That's all that really matters." ~ *Pencil lead slowly runs out to be replaced by bamboo charcoal* *In the jungle, Allison and Teddy in a hammock, Teddy without a shirt on* TEDDY: "Ok, sure, your pencil lead runs out, and you can't just run to the store for more, but you can work around that with a bit of creativity..." ALLISON: "You haven't put a shirt on in 2 weeks"

That's "Homemade Bamboo Charcoal," for those medium-philes keeping track at home!..

Aysomptotic

*Graph plotting "AWKWARDNESS of finding a seat on PUBLIC TRANSIT" against "Percentage CAPACITY Occupied" with near zero values spiking drastically at fifty percent, before dropping to fairly low again through the upper range, and than skyrocketing as the graph passes 100%* TEDDY: *sitting on a little old lady's lap* "Hi, I'm Teddy!"

Ruminations

*2:00AM* SCUMBAG BRAIN: "Pssst! Hey." ~ BRAIN: *Hovering over a sleeping Teddy* "Hey. Wake up. Wake up! Hey! Hey, wake up!.." ~ *Teddy sits up groggily* BRAIN: "Pizza is essentially just a really thin casserole." ~ *Teddy rolls over, going back to sleep* BRAIN: *insistently nudging Teddy* "Hey, listen! Are you going back to sleep? LISTEN! You need to remember this! This is IMPORTANT stuff!"

Ok, Brain, I remembered. Are you happy now?
Also, without legitimatizing this by expending literally another second contemplating it, I'm pretty sure I refute your assertion on the casserole front, so not really sure where that leaves us...

Theory

*Graph depicting exponential correlation between "Atmospheric OXYGEN Concentration" and "EXPLOSION Spontaneity", with "Our Universe" at ~20% oxygen with a near zero chance of spontaneous explosion, and the "MICHAEL BAY CINEMATIC Universe" with an alarmingly high chance of spontaneous explosion at nearly 100% atmospheric oxygen.* ~ TEDDY: *Presenting chart to audience of Allison and Mark* "Now hear me out: There's some intriguing math I think y'all should look at before making any judgments..." *Mark looking on, unconvinced* ALLISON: "Yeah, still doesn't do jack for the misogyny, racism, tone-deafness, perversion..."

...Aaannndd now I'm curios

#ISmellAnExperiementComingOn?..

Priorities III

"Say what you will about LORD VOLDEMORT, you've got to give him credit for largely forestalling his antics till the end of the academic year..." VOLDEMORT: "Education first!"

#When you know you're going to be without internet in the Amazon for a couple weeks so load your phone up with the most convenient audiobooks you have on hand... #As if you need an excuse to go through the Harry Potter books again...

Historic

"~Tuning in now, thanks to GoogleOverlord(TM)'s groundbreaking new FTL quantum communications platform, we prepare to witness LIVE the Momus 1 crew, disembarking for the first time onto a world orbiting another star: Much as Neil Armstrong's famous "One small step" marked a generation, the whole world waits united to hear Captain Theodor Dukkins' first words, which will undoubtedly define a brave new era of exploration for all of HUMANKIND...~" ~ *On alien planet* TEDDY: *In space suit looking back towards crew disembarking* "Wow! It's like I'm seeing you guys in a whole new light!"

Alternate setup for this punchline: Just any dad changing a light bulb...

Social Protocol

ALLISON: *Returning to the gang, seated in a restaurant* "So that was actually really lucky to run into him here: He said to call his office Monday, and we can probably set up a deal!" TEDDY: "So what you're saying is that to earn his respect, one of us needs to beat him in a drinking challenge!.." ~ ALLISON: "No, that's not even remotely what I sai---" TEDDY: *standing suavely* "Don't worry guys, I'm prepared to take this one for the team!" ALLISON: "We really need to talk about your drinking problem..." ~ *End caption* TEDDY: "If he didn't want us to prove ourselves through infantilely-fraternal antics then why would he schedule this meeting in a bar?" ALLISON: "We LITERALLY JUST HAPPENED TO BE OUT ON THE SAME NIGHT IN THE SAME PLACE--Did I not just say we RAN into him? Besides, I'm not sure that the OLIVE GARDEN counts as a bar..."

Yeah, what is this, Apple Bee's?....

...Okay, I admit, I don't think I've ever been to an Olive Garden...

Persistence

*Post apocalyptic setting: A "PING" announces an incoming message* TEDDY: "What?! A message?! A message is coming in!" ALLISON: "I honestly thought we were the last ones left!" ~ EMAIL: "From: Graduation Images! To: #1 Super Special Customer It's no too late! I know we said two weeks after your graduation that it was your last chance to purchase photos of the event, but we noticed its been 7 years and you still haven't bought any, so we wanted to offer you our LIMITED TIME APOCALYPSE SPECIAL!!tm for ONE LAST FINAL CHANCE to purchase a package of these cherished memories! It really is the perfect keepsake for the end of the world! If you order now, we'll even throw in FREE SHIPPING! on orders over $25.* *or equivalent value in cat videos ($0.87 per minute of video as of...)

Originally I was going to block them, but then I was too lazy to get around to it, and now I'm just curious to see exactly how long they'll hang in there...

Sentimentality

"I reckon that anyone that travels enough gets to know that personal artifact..." "Maybe it started off accidentally, or out of convenience, but over time it kept pace as you accrued tandem trips, until you one voyage realized it was as indispensable to your identity as a traveler as your passport, or the SOLES of your FEET (both duly worn)" "As CHERISHED as Indiana Jones' HAT." "And so you go , with your inseparable, silent partner; always knowing you'll have that ready companion, no matter the Adventure; a welcome, storied friend." "And maybe it wasn't sentimental to begin with, but every mile, mountain, or mud-measured stride it unbiddenly cinched its way a couple notches further into your heart: with every takeoff and landing its significance grown."

"But with these memories come a catch-22: Does there come a point where they so charge the object, that the associated risks outweigh the reward?" "The world's a big place for doo-dads and boobles; any adventure worth having a chance they're not coming back..." "So what then do you do, with this most precious of pals? Do you carry on, knowing the value you risk; Bear the quite weight of that FEAR, nagging THIS TRIP, this could be the last." "Or do you lock it away, safe and despondent? Sacrificing the joy of new memories for those already had?" "For who are we to judge, the past from the future, when only the present can--"

*In a windy canoe* ALLISON: *holding baseball hat out to a monologuing Teddy* "Oh quit being so MELODRAMATIC! It just blew like 2 seats back!"

Mortality metaphor be damned, I'm glad I didn't actually lose my hat!..

CPP Dependency Edition

"SCENE: Basically that opening credits bit from LOVE ACTUALLY..." *Collage of people lovingly greeting each other with quoted 'Whenever I get gloomy with the state of the world I think about the arrivals gate at Heathrow Airport'* ~ TEDDY: *Extending arms in greeting out of frame* "OMG, I missed you so much! Like, I knew I missed you, but I didn't even realize how much until I saw you just now!" ~ *Frame shifts to reveal Teddy has opened his checked bag in the baggage claim, and is reverently holding his pocket knife aloft* "I don't even know how I was able to bear it! Let's never be apart this long again!"

Can you believe they wouldn't let me bring a chainsaw in my luggage? SMH

Progress

SOCIETY: "So, Hollywood, we know 2017 is already a class 5 billion shit-hurricane, and there's hella other stuff going on right now, but now that we've got a name for TOXIC MASCULINITY. we're appreciating how problematic it is, and we could really use your help with some better mainstream roll models..." HOLLYWOOD: "Ok, sure thing! Surly, loner men resolving conflicts through brute application of violence, improbably-unyielding feats of strength, dominance, distrust, and just generally hyperbolic ~manliness~tm is a NO-GO. Got it! Sounds good!" HOLLYWOOD: "Ok, so basically we took a bunch of those movies, and we didn't change the plot, or characterizations at all, but we've rewritten the problematic men as women, and we've got a rotating pool of about 3 female actors that we're willing to cast in them!" SOCIETY: "..." HOLLYWOOD: *movie poster bosting "This Summer, CHARLIZE THERON is LADY RAMBO: Same Unhealthy Fetishization of vigilante militarism you loved in the original hero, but now WITH CLEVAGE!!!" SOCIETY: "Yeah, apparently we're completely fine with this..."

The Writer part of my Brain: "But flawed characters are so much more fun to write!"
Yeah, you're not helping...

I'll give you maybe 40/60 odds that this movie's actually in development somewhere in Hollywood, but assuming it is. I guarantee the working title is actually "Lady Rambo"... #remindmehowwe'reokwiththisagain?

Namesake

*gathered in maternity ward* MAC GIRL: "Aww, Baby ASPEN! What a unique name!" ALLISON:"Yeah, neither of us is a huge fan of that "name your kid after the place where they were conceived" thing, but I guess we're also HIPSTER enough that in this case we thought it was a really pretty name..." MARK: "Hold up! When the hell were you two in COLORADO 9 months ago? ~ ALLISON: "COLORADO? Who said anything about Colorado?" TEDDY: "TBH, I know I'm no botanist, but I'm still not entirely convinced it wasn't just a BIRCH tree..." ALLISON: "We've been over this: BIRCH isn't a name! Just take the plausible deniability and drop it before it becomes a thing..."

Hey, it's still better than "Albus Severus," amiright?..

...Besides, you gotta give props to Teddy and Allison for the shear accomplishment here, at the very least: When you're talking *logistics*, an aspen's far from the most conducive species one could go for...

Exigency

When I came up with this last night (admittedly rather near the tail end of a pretty packed day) I was worried it was such low hanging ~~fruit~~ deli-meat that there was no way there wasn't a slew of similar jokes that had already been made, but now I'm kinda questioning just how sleep deprived I was by that point...

Expectations

*At party with heart balloons and "It's a GIRL!" banner* DAUGHTER: "Ok, you guys realize this is like my 23rd birthday, RIGHT? You're seriously holding a GENDER REVEAL party, NOW?" ALLISON: "Well, we figured it was probably PRETTY SAFE to call it at this point..." ~ DAUGHTER: "You guys are literally the most embrassing parent's ever. I cannot even begin to describe how much I hate you..." *Teddy and Allison unconcernedly continue to smile proudly, waving "Congratulations!" flags.*

*Cuts into cake*

"IIItt'sss..... Orange?"

"Yeah, it's her favorite colour. Obviously. Why, what were you expecting?"

Passable

*Mark, Allison, and Teddy yawning in succession* ~ MARK: "Man, humans are weird..." ALLISON: "Hey, At least we know none of us is a SOCIOPATH..." ~ TEDDY: "Yeah, that or if any of us ARE, they're really good at HIDING it." "So, you know, either way, that's a win!.."

I pretty sure I only yawned literally an infinity times over the course of drawing this, so guess I'm good on that metric?..

'Cause that's all that really matters, right #fakeittillyoumakeit, amiright?

Paint Clothes

I'm thinking this could be a whole series - Get the *sexy* version of work clothes, exercise gear, Sunday best: The possibilities are endless!..

...not to mention infinitely more liberating than the alternative!..
#aaanndtheregoesallmycredintheefforttodesexualizenudity...

Ownership

*Man wearing "DEPLORABLE and PROUD" gear yelling at protesters "Get a job, SNOWFLAKE!" * TEDDY: "All things considered, when you figure the oppositional terms thrown about that WE CAN CHOOSE TO RECONCILE OURSELVES W/, our side really doesn't have it that bad..."

Because not only does choosing to be utterly unoffended at being called "Snowflake" as a slur make a decided step toward disproving its sentiment, it allows you to fully appreciate what a laughably bizarre derogatory it really is...

Athleticism II

*Teddy lining a large sheet of plywood up to a table saw in the middle of an Olympic field* ~ ANNOUNCER 1:"...rejoining us now for Theodor Dukkins, a surprising young upstart in these games, attempting a 96" x 57" rip..." ANNOUNCER 2:"--That's right Jim: If he's successful here, that will be a new WORLD RECORD for the Men's Solo 3/4"-Ply OLYMPIC TABLE SAW. You have to realize, once we get into these sizes, you're talking a seriously heavy slab of wood." ANNOUNCER 1:"--That may be Chip, but he's not exactly a small guy either, and we're going to be looking for him to use every bit of that extra reach on this cut--OH! Bit of binding there as he struggles to keep it on the fence: We'll have to see what the judges make of that, could be a deduction!.."

Amature move sacrificing fence accuracy for size...

...Everyone knows its all about cut tolerance!..

Connotation

"ERUDITE:" "(er-y-dit) adj. [La. Eruditus]" "A stodgy, imperious, NEEDLESSLY-highfalutin word describing something stodgy, imperious, and NEEDLESSLY-highfalutin..."

Alright, so maybe I'm colouring this interpretation a bit more than is entirely called for, but I think I'm more than justified in cracking up at all the heated debate over how you properly pronounce the word, accompanied almost invariably with at least some attempt at a pun regarding which pronunciation represents the most erudition...