Evens are Odds: 2019

Millennial Culture: "Burning the Candle" Edition

Teddy: *Slightly manic, remnants of a project strewn across the table, holding the product, a candle cut into half-a-dozen tiny pieces fused together to be lit simultaneously* "YEAH, TWO ENDS WEREN'T CUTTING IT!.."

Millenial Culture:

Doing that work you
brought home from
the office with you --------- Drawing this comic
\ /
\ Pick /
\   Two /
\ /
Sleep

Maximize

TEDDY: *perched precariously several feet off the ground on the shear face of cartoonish-ly over-packed storage unit* "Huh. Who would have thought ROCK CLIMBING would be a transferable skill to MOVING..." ALLISON: *Handing Teddy another box* "I think you're probably MOVING wrong..."

Also, turns out that Tetris, while also transferable, becomes somewhat more challenging in real life with the introduction of non-uniform pieces.....

Impetuous

TEDDY: *walking home from work* "Man, I REALLY don't feel like going out to run that errand right now: Just wanna go STRAIGHT HOME..." "*sigh*" "Will be a pain to put it off more, though... I should just do it." ~ cut to ~ *Teddy, caught in bumper to bumper traffic, red brake lights extending as far as the eye can see* RADIO: "~worst traffic for this road on a random ass Wednesday evening EVER~" TEDDY: "I feel like this is KARMA getting me back because I'm still wearing PANTS right now..."

As if all the hot-sweaty-gross didn't make summer bad enough...

"As far as pros, we've already got him an Arthur costume for Halloween (yes, I know Arthur was actually an aardvark, but they're still more similar than your cat...). Cons? Turns out the caloric intake of a Giant Anteater somewhat outpaces your average household ant infestation, and I now find myself laying tracks to entice ants inside...

Entitlement

"When life gives you lemons..." "WHAT LIFE GAVE YOU... : Lemons" "WHAT YOU NEED TO MAKE LEMONADE... : Lemons. Potable Water. Sugar/Sweetener. Water-tight vessel. NOT REQUIRED, BUT NICE TO HAVE: Knife. Cutting board. Citrus Press. Mixing spoon. Ice/Refrigeration. Drinking vessel(s)." "Has this idiom really been a sneaky, back-door metaphor about ENTITLEMENT THIS ENTIRE TIME?!?"

Enjoy your plain, room temperature lemon juice!

Millennial Culture

*Graph with "t=Time the office 'CLOSES' & you ostensibly clock out" progressing through "t:01, t:02, t:03, .... , t:07, t:08, t:09, t:10+" on the x-axis as "Time you ACTUALLY end up leaving" and "Level of Discomfort" on the y-axis ranging from "it's fine. just fine..." to "ALL THE DISCOMFORT!!"; Plot extends asymptotically past "ALL THE DISCOMFORT!!" as it approaches ~t:01 and tapers toward bearable around t:07, leveling off near 0 past t:10...

In this weeks installment of maths I refuse to calculate: The cumulative time I give away free because of my insecurity's prognostications on the optics of leaving the office at, God forbid, 5:03!

#perilsofbeinghourlyinapredominantlysalariedoffice...

Pattern

*Music player w/ "Like" "Dislike" & "OBSESS UNREMITTINGLY" buttons; Hover text for "OBSESS UNREMITTINGLY" reads "Engaging UNREMITTING OBSESSION on this song will put it into rotation at a rate averaging once every third song, gradually tapering off to normal over the course of a week."

"UNREMITTING OBSESSION mode now features integration with smart home devices! Once you've engaged UNREMITTING OBSESSION mode on a song, simply say 'OK Google: RELEASE THE KRACKEN!' to automatically play the song from the beginning at full volume on ALL available devices!.."

Debilitated

TEDDY: *Groaning* ALLISON: "Hey, are you OK? You seem kind of...distressed?.." ~ TEDDY: "Yeah, I COMPLETELY bugger my back putting on my pants this morning. I'm actually in a not-inconsiderable amount of pain..." ALLISON: "Oh. My... Are... are you alright?" TEDDY: "Eh. It's fine: It's just pain. As long as I don't make any movement what-so-ever it's almost forgettable..." ~ ALLISON: "I see...But then... Are you smiling, or is that just a grimace?.." TEDDY: "Are you kidding? I hurt my back. PUTTING ON PANTS. This is OBJECTIVELY hilarious!"

Adulting Achievement Level Unlocked: Clothing-Related Injury!

And I get that I'm too young to complain about being old, and it's really very petty and superficial to do so, but I considered going home early at more points than one today. From PUTTING ON PANTS!..

Curate

*Roughly inverse tan curve w/ "Your Content Threshold" plotted against "Your parents' content threshold" on the Y-axis, and "Your age" on the X-axis, the line being the "Content you consume as a family." The integral area for which the plot tends towards "your parents' content threshold" is defined by "Your parents prescreening content before watching it together to determine if it's appropriate for you", while that corresponding to "your content threshold" correlates to "You prescreening content before watching it together to determine if it's appropriate for your parents" (that area labeled as your 20's)

I spent entirely too long thinking about the variables here, and their relationships and derivatives of each other, before deciding I was getting too in my head about it and just wanted to make a gag about the shift in which party prescreens content in this dynamic...

Thom's Law of Probability

"In any given situation in which you have a 50/50 CHANCE of getting something RIGHT or not, you will get it WRONG 80% of the time..." ~ TEDDY: *Holding several 2x4's up to be scanned at the checkout* "I don't suppose you have a BARCODE sticker down there?" ALLISON: "Nope. Other side..."

Guess it's more of a modifier, really...

And I'm sure there's an actual psychological phenomenon for why it seems like this is the case that I could look up the name for, but ~~I'm to lazy to try to find that right now~~ that would take all of the magic out of it!..